Never Goodbye

All of our lives are the continuing building and breaking of relationships.  Some relationships last for decades while others last less than a year, maybe only weeks.  I am not only referring to romantic relationships, but relationships with friends, family, peers, teachers, mentors, and co-workers.  If anyone has ever graduated from high school or college, one quickly finds that some relationships do not last.  I keep only with a handful of people from college and I just graduated, even less people from high school.  It’s funny to think that the only thing that kept you close was that you spent time around each other in the same setting.  Once you are no longer in that setting the friendship fails to endure.  Grow apart.  Fall apart.  Fall out.  Whatever you want to call it, it always happens.

Over the past few weeks I have been able to connect with several friends and mentors.  These images are but a few of the dear friends that I was lucky to see and spend time with over the past few weeks.  How my heart filled with joy at being able to spend what little time I could with them.  My dear friends, although I am no longer in college or high school, I desperately wish I could spend more time with the people that mean so much to me.

Some friends I was able to spend hours with while others I was only able to converse with for a few short minutes.  What a blessing it is to have friends.  People that care for you and have your best interest at heart and are there to support you in the victories as well as in the sorrow.

It makes me terribly sad to not be able to spend more time with the people that I so thoroughly enjoy and care about.  I wish I could spend more time with them, but then something came to mind that this is not the end.  We cannot spend forever together on this earth.  People have to go back to their homes, to their jobs, and as much as they may care for me there are also other responsibilities that demand their attention. Yet, there will be a day in which I never have to say goodbye or go months without seeing and spending time with my dear friends.

These dear friends, mentors, and I have something in common.  We believe in Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  It is because of this that when we all pass from this earth and are in heaven we will never have to say goodbye again.  If an overwhelming joy fills my heart in being reunited with my friends while on earth, how much more joy will I feel when I am in heaven?  Perfect bodies, no more sin, no more pain, and being able to experience and give a perfect love to every single person.  Every relationship has its problems because imperfect people who sin are in those relationships.  You think you have a good relationship with someone now?  Imagine never having to deal with the small issues, as well as the big issues, and arguments that come with a relationship.  Not only this but also being able to fully revel in the most important relationship of all: my relationship with Jesus Christ.

It was this that put my heart at ease.  Even if I cannot spend, as much time as I would like to with friends, there will be a day in which my time with my friends and family will never end.  I will continue to pursue and enjoy the relationships that I have on this earth, but knowing how much better it is going to be in heaven makes me all the more anxious to be there with my precious Savior.  The only way to heaven is through Jesus.  I pray that I see you there; because it is better than anything this world could ever offer.

Bite My Tongue

It has been several months since my last blog post and I have been having a hard time putting into words what I want to say.  There have been several occasions in which I have written an entire post only to delete it upon completion or halfway through because of my motives for what I was writing.  Something that I have really been struggling with is calling undue attention to myself.  All of these thoughts and ideas keep circulating around my brain and I want to vocalize them, I want people to notice me, I want people to compliment me on my insight, humor, and intellect.  I want to be recognized as the person I think myself to be.

How many times do we count the likes and favorites on all social media outlets?  All of these things are so “me” focused.  It drives me absolutely INSANE when I see someone on social media posting the same thing over and over again to try and get more attention for themselves.  I do not want to be like that, but at the same time I want attention and I know social media is one way of getting it.  There is a real battle going on when I want to post, write, or say something and at the same time I do not want to call attention to myself in seeking the approval of man.  I don’t want to do it to inflate my own ego and so that I can feel good about myself because of how many people like a photo on Facebook.  Isn’t that ridiculous?  The facts that how I feel about myself is based upon what other people think of me?  It doesn’t even have to be something I say.  It could be a picture I took and I want people to recognize what a great photographer I think I am, or how I’M so great for being at a beautiful location in the first place.

This past Sunday I preached a sermon in my home church for the first time.  This was a big deal for me as I pursue the path that God has called me to as a pastor.  I wanted to tell people that I was preaching a sermon 1) because I wanted people to pray for me because I was extremely nervous and 2) If I’m being honest, I wanted people to be impressed with what I was doing.  Why does it have to be that way?  Why can I not just do things and not be worried or concerned about what people may think of me?

Because of my continual struggle of calling attention to myself there were and still are many people that do not know that I preached a sermon at my home church.  My own brother did not even know until the week before I was supposed to preach.  My family, my church, and some of my co-workers know, but some of my closest friends do not know because I feel that I am being arrogant and boastful by informing them that I am preaching a sermon.

Along that same vein, I led the Lord’s Supper at my church a few weeks prior to my sermon.  I did not tell anyone about that.  I only told my parents about it the morning before we went to church so that they could be in the service, and I knew that they would be upset if I didn’t tell them.

 I am NOT trying to say, “Look at how great I am! I know that people are self-seeking and I am not that way anymore because I don’t tell people about stuff!” NO, that is not what I want.  I am struggling in this area and I do not know what to do.  I see this all around me, in myself and in others.  I do not know how to handle this.  I do not get on social media as much because I know that it will be a great temptation for me in that every time I post I am asking people, “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LIKE THIS! LIKE THIS! LIKE THIS! AREN’T I GREAT?”  There has to be a balance somewhere…well maybe there isn’t.  I do not know.  The more and more I find out about the world, the more I realize how much I do not know.  As strong as the urge is to say something, I have another urge that is telling me that I shouldn’t say anything.  This was more of a way for me to let all of these thoughts out that I have kept bottled up.  Who knows…I sure don’t. 

But as I think about this a quote from the Secret Life of Walter Mitty comes to mind: “Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.”  Not to say that I am beautiful or what I have to offer is beautiful, but I don’t need to ask for attention.  If attention is due, it will come whether I ask for it or not, and I pray that I will stay humble if that day ever comes.

The 2014

Where do I begin?

Many of us have seen those Facebook and Twitter posts stating something in like, “Glad 2013 is over with, bring on 2014!”  Isn’t it interesting how so many people are “happy” to be done with the year 2013, as if the year itself had done something hurtful to them.  I’m betting MONEY that those same people, one year from now will be saying the exact same things about 2014. “Glad I’m finally done with you, lets make it a good one 2015!” The year, the month, the week, the day itself is not good or bad (although I can definitely make an argument for Mondays).  What makes a year good or bad are the choices you make.  Surely we have all seen enough inspirational posts on the Internet to know that.

For some reason or another, people want to continually push the responsibility of hard times and misfortune onto other things.  In some cases there is legitimacy to that.  The world isn’t all SUNSHINE and RAINBOWS; there is a lot of DARK and NASTY stuff out there.  Life hits and it hits hard.  Life is never going to start being easy, there is always going to be something or someone that will cause issues and problems.

Once again, having a good year comes back to the choices you make.  Let’s all be honest, some of the things that have happened to you are because you made a dumb and stupid decision.  I know I have made a ton of stupid decisions over this past year alone, most of them ended up costing me a good bit of MONEY because I did not think through what I was doing. I could get mad or angry with someone else, or even stay angry and mad at myself.  That’s not going to help me, it may make me feel better for a little bit, but that is not going to make things get better.  How I respond to any given situation is going to determine whether I have a good day/week/month/year.  I can sit around, mope, and complain about it but that will not improve upon the situation at all.

In that regards, and moving along with themes of the New Year, there is the metaphor of a blank slate, a fresh start, and new beginnings.  I don’t know why, but I always have trouble with the idea of having a completely new start with no regards to anything that has happened before. You can’t ignore your story.

Let’s take a walk down Analogy Avenue. Say your life is a book; your book starts to get written as soon as your life begins and your book ends when your life ends. If you are reading this then I am going to say that you have written a good portion of your story, and you are still writing your storybook everyday you are alive. You cannot rip out the pages of your book right when you are in the middle of your story.  You will have a new blank page to start writing on every now and again, but you cannot rewrite your story. Your book, your story makes you who you are, if you take that away then you will no longer be you.  (Some people may say that they no longer want to be themselves, and my heart breaks for you.  I do not know how bad things are, or what you are trying to escape, but I PROMISE that you will make it through.)

Personally, I have a really hard time even trying to have a thought process of a fresh start. Maybe I have a hard time of letting go, maybe my memory is too good, or maybe I’m too hard on myself.  I don’t know about all of you but it does not take me a long time to think of times where I have messed up.  I mess up a lot, more times than I care to admit, but goodness gracious I have messed up a ton.  There are so many things that I will I could go back and do over.  Let me tell you something, if anyone says they don’t have any regrets then that person is either A: full of crap or B: they are a narcissist.  No matter how much I may want to go back in time and undo some of the stupid, idiotic, and inconsiderate things I have done, I can’t!  Maybe that is what haunts me the most, in the hours late at night.  I can never take back or change the hurtful and selfish words I have said or things I have done.

That is where the beauty of God’s grace comes in.  Even though I still have a frustratingly difficult time wrapping my mind around that all has been forgiven, the blood of Jesus has paid for all of the wrongs we have done.  It covers our past, it covers our future, and it leaves us spotless.  In thinking about regrets and past mistakes, there are many mornings I look in the mirror and I wish I saw someone else.  God doesn’t do that.  He loves you for who you are, mistakes and all.  He loves you and takes you as his child, sending his own son to die for you.  A very radical notion if you spend any time thinking about it.

I’m sure I have worn you out, with my babble and ideas from a 20-something that doesn’t really know a whole lot.  I may not know a whole lot, and the more I know the more I find I don’t know.  Now is that point in the blog where I could say more but it will probably be better for me to stop writing, and I am going to do just that.