Bite My Tongue

It has been several months since my last blog post and I have been having a hard time putting into words what I want to say.  There have been several occasions in which I have written an entire post only to delete it upon completion or halfway through because of my motives for what I was writing.  Something that I have really been struggling with is calling undue attention to myself.  All of these thoughts and ideas keep circulating around my brain and I want to vocalize them, I want people to notice me, I want people to compliment me on my insight, humor, and intellect.  I want to be recognized as the person I think myself to be.

How many times do we count the likes and favorites on all social media outlets?  All of these things are so “me” focused.  It drives me absolutely INSANE when I see someone on social media posting the same thing over and over again to try and get more attention for themselves.  I do not want to be like that, but at the same time I want attention and I know social media is one way of getting it.  There is a real battle going on when I want to post, write, or say something and at the same time I do not want to call attention to myself in seeking the approval of man.  I don’t want to do it to inflate my own ego and so that I can feel good about myself because of how many people like a photo on Facebook.  Isn’t that ridiculous?  The facts that how I feel about myself is based upon what other people think of me?  It doesn’t even have to be something I say.  It could be a picture I took and I want people to recognize what a great photographer I think I am, or how I’M so great for being at a beautiful location in the first place.

This past Sunday I preached a sermon in my home church for the first time.  This was a big deal for me as I pursue the path that God has called me to as a pastor.  I wanted to tell people that I was preaching a sermon 1) because I wanted people to pray for me because I was extremely nervous and 2) If I’m being honest, I wanted people to be impressed with what I was doing.  Why does it have to be that way?  Why can I not just do things and not be worried or concerned about what people may think of me?

Because of my continual struggle of calling attention to myself there were and still are many people that do not know that I preached a sermon at my home church.  My own brother did not even know until the week before I was supposed to preach.  My family, my church, and some of my co-workers know, but some of my closest friends do not know because I feel that I am being arrogant and boastful by informing them that I am preaching a sermon.

Along that same vein, I led the Lord’s Supper at my church a few weeks prior to my sermon.  I did not tell anyone about that.  I only told my parents about it the morning before we went to church so that they could be in the service, and I knew that they would be upset if I didn’t tell them.

 I am NOT trying to say, “Look at how great I am! I know that people are self-seeking and I am not that way anymore because I don’t tell people about stuff!” NO, that is not what I want.  I am struggling in this area and I do not know what to do.  I see this all around me, in myself and in others.  I do not know how to handle this.  I do not get on social media as much because I know that it will be a great temptation for me in that every time I post I am asking people, “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LIKE THIS! LIKE THIS! LIKE THIS! AREN’T I GREAT?”  There has to be a balance somewhere…well maybe there isn’t.  I do not know.  The more and more I find out about the world, the more I realize how much I do not know.  As strong as the urge is to say something, I have another urge that is telling me that I shouldn’t say anything.  This was more of a way for me to let all of these thoughts out that I have kept bottled up.  Who knows…I sure don’t. 

But as I think about this a quote from the Secret Life of Walter Mitty comes to mind: “Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.”  Not to say that I am beautiful or what I have to offer is beautiful, but I don’t need to ask for attention.  If attention is due, it will come whether I ask for it or not, and I pray that I will stay humble if that day ever comes.